With change comes worries.
I am at a place in my life currently where I want to just date whoever comes along and see what sticks. I have never been this kind of person before.
Reason one being that I never really had the option before. One of the reasons being I spent so much time not wanting a relationship. The other being I was a big loser.
Reason two being that it is just not how I viewed things. If I met someone and I was interested at all I would just see where things went and not worry about other things because some times if you are looking the other way it might just pass you by.
Which this may have had a lot to do with the ‘slut rules’( one guy at a time) I talk about since with me if you weren’t putting out I was gone.
But recently I feel I have been so..sensitive. I have grown up a lot in the last year, done everything I felt I had missed out on in the past, and realized the things I truly wanted from my life.
I feel like this put me at an extreme disadvantage to being hurt.
So here lies the wanting casual dating. But I worry that my old, old, old ways will come back.
From maybe age 16-18 I was AWFUL to men. Truly bad. They would hold my interest for awhile, they would start to really like me and then I would dump them and I would want for them not to exist anymore.
I am pretty positive that I won’t go back to that but there’s a lurking fear. I guess because I already kinda feel bad. I am talking to one guy and I plan to meet another soon through a friend. I just worry that the first guy will get attached to me and I will feel nothing and end up feeling like Monster Crystal is back.
I plan to be up front about my complicated mind or at least what I am willingly to share about reasons why I plan not to get serious any time soon. I seriously can’t right now for my own personal reasons and I just really want to try a new way of thinking. I truly hope people can understand this but with feelings involved I know that is truly difficult.